Kristina Julin-Stringer at The Workshops Company wrote the following testimonial the other day:

It is an honour to know Coleen. She is one of the few persons you could have a middlename “trust”, which is a rare “commodity” in the modern world. It cannot be sold and it cannot be bought. Yet we all need to trust someone. In an artificial world she is a genuine diamond. She does not want to please you but she does not want to insult you either. She gets to the point and tells you what she thinks, not what you would like to hear.

What does Kristina’s testimonial tell us about relationships?  How might we use these tips to build better relationships?

Tip 1.  Trust is important.  Think about a situation where you have trusted someone else.  For most of us, trust comes from knowledge.  Now, in today’s business we have to do business with people that we have never met.  In many cases, we have to do business with people to whom we have never spoken.  How can we build trust?  It seems to me that trust can exist in such situations when we allow time and share enough information that the parties understand each other’s motivation.

Tip 2.  Information must be shared.  Some people have a great deal of difficulty sharing information about their goals, their plans, their hopes, their dreams, or even where they went on their last family vacation.  They realize that the information could be used against them.  And they fear that the information will be used that way.  In truth, there is some basis to support their fears.  That said, people must share enough information that others are interested in forming a relationship.  If we share nothing, with whom would the person have a relationship? 

Tip 3.  Focus for the discussion.  If the people had stuck with the obvious choices, once the comments were made about the weather, the conversation would have died.  A relationship would have been avoided.  To form relationships, it is important to think about what the person is saying.  There are many directions that the conversation can go.  If one’s goals are business, why not ask about the other person’s business?  If the goals are in some other direction, a different topic may be more effective.

Tip 4.  Truthfulness is critical.  When we dislike something or someone, it is easy to make up a lie or avoid the question.  Sure, avoiding the question and making up lies can save the other person from embarrassment.  But, why do we really do so?  Let’s not kid ourselves.  We make up the lies or avoid the questions to spare ourselves.  This isn’t about someone else.  It is about ourselves.  The lie or avoidance of the question spares us from having to face conflict or controversy.  In the process, it also prevents us from forming a relationship.

Tip 5.  Talk straight, follow through.  If we say that we are going to do something, we should do so.  Unless we do so, others lose the ability to trust us. 

Beyond Kristina’s comments, here are a few additional tips for building relationships through communciation:

Tip 6.  Always have more that can be offered.  The approach that has always worked best for me is to work with a small number of people and to help them each a great deal.  Understanding what matters to the other person is critical.  Business is a value for value transaction.  If I am not giving value to the other person, why would the other person give value to me?  This means that a person has to focus on relationships in which a person can add value because time is limited.

Tip 7.  Tell others what is expected.  When we tell others what is expected, they are better positioned to meet our expectations.  If we want feedback, ask for feedback.  If we want action, explain the desired action.  Communicate timelines, where we are seeking responses according to a particular timeline.

Tip 8.  Care about the other person’s success.  If the other person’s success is irrelevant, how can anyone help the other person?  When the other person’s success is irrelevant, a person is unlikely to share their best advice.    

What other tips would you add about using communication to build relationships?

Edited:  April 13, 2007

Filed by Coleen Davis at 1:55 pm under Business Tips, Negotiations, Networking, Solving Problems